i read it with laughter but tears in the heart.

it was a windy morning and i decided to skip my class after my math quiz. well done, queenie! :D the emptiness of the computer lab giving me the inspiration to update my blog. i was her with him and decided to read about the blog post he weote for me. the post was pirivate with password and the password was the day we start our story and sadly it didn't last as i expected. i took some time to figure out the password and at the end he told me. muahahahahahahahaha. stupid me. at the beggining, i didn't have the courage to read it beside him but i can't go online at home so just f**k it. i read the post about me right beside him. i didn't know how to cover the awkward so i read it with laughter. starting was alright but when i continue reading it i can feel tears rolling iin ,y eyes. i know i can't cry in front of him and 'm still in collge so i cover the feeling with my laughter. the blog isn't funny but if you were here, you will think that 'm reading some comedy but 'm NOT!

*silent moments* there is only both of us in the computer lab and we can actually pretend like nothing or maybe i should say that i can pretend like i never read that.

'm sorry for hurting you over and over again and thanks for being there whenever i need you. i decided to put a fullstop in between us because i feel that you deserve a better one and we are nice just like this way. (:

'm sorry. really sorry and thank you for all these while. (:

it doesn't belong to me anymore.

i was thinking what title should i give for this post. this going to be some real random post. it might contain some emo feelings or some words 'm not supposed to use. 'm 18 now and going to be 19 soon and looking back the life i used to have, the 18 years of life and what i have been doing this 18 years. standing at the place i used to be or maybe some different place, looking back the time i had. pictures of tears, laughter, joy, disappointment. it all appeared. they are all what i went through for the 18 years. now my heart and myself full of scars and some new cuts but all these scars will tell me the past is real. when i been through weren't a dream. they are all reality and past. i fell down over and over again but i still have to go on no matter what. i believe my road is full of my blood stains and injuries but i still have to stand up and go on. going on with my life with the cuts and scars. they are there to let me know that i will be stronger and 'm stronger after all these hurts i got.

life is always out of expectation. yes, i know that. that's why 'm full of scars. i never know what going to happen next and i will never know what is coming to me. when i was in high school i always dream about the college life i going to have when my teachers are teaching in the class. college life, is another turning point of my life where i met new people and new friends. and college is where i have more cuts, where i become stronger. lots of things happened when i reached this turning point of my life. i start back the habit i stopped when i was in high school, 'm called as a bitch, failure in relationships and even friendships. hmm. process that make me grow stronger and even lost myself. the real me. and i don't know where to find it back and sometimes i wonder the old me is better or the lost me is better. i mean the new and current me. :D

since the few times of failure of relationships in college, i can't get myself serious in this topic anymore. maybe i haven't got the right one that can make me good and serious and stick to him. haha i used to have one but now is all gone. all past. (:  the feeling ain't easy to find it back. once is gone, is gone. and now, i love the night like how someone does. night, is when i feel warm and have my own thinking. no one will be there to disturb, everyone is asleep. looking at the lonely and quiet street, the street lights shinning or maybe sometimes the rain drops hit the roof. looking at the sky with moon and stars shinning and feel the inner the me. the time i look deep inside me and try to find back myself but failed to i think.

and right now 'm going to freeze into ice in college's library. :p *sign off*

what i dislike the most about my boy. :(

what i dislike the most:-
1. wear sandal and went shopping or date with me.

2. never pay attention on what 'm i trying to say or talk.

3. being rude to me.

4. walk away when we argued or quarrel.

5. care about his friends more than me. ( dump me for his friends! )

6. egoistic!

7. every outing is up to me. don't have his own ideas.

8. always broke. :D

well. just feel like listing them out. (: i don't mind my boy smoke and drink but if can i hope that he has a healthy life so that he can take care the clumsy me. hee. :D