yesterday night was a night that i was really alone. phone on silent mode, in the car, playing the cd player and listening to the song. it was a song full with meanings and suit the feeling i was in that time. every night, i used to have someone with me but this night i decided not to disturb anyone. the night that i truely understand the feeling of walking on the street, drving alone. it wasn't nice but i have the time to do my own thinking. i lost myself since college started and i believe that till now i haven't find myself back. the me that used to laughed at jokes, smile and cry at the right time and will not hide the feelings in me. but the me now is totally feeling numb. lost my direction, the sense in me. i do not laugh at jokes. i mean i do laugh but not from the bottom of my heart. that moment, that second, i realized what i had let go might not be my wish but i believe this will be better. that moment, i was thinking back the time, the memories, the way i been through. hurt, smile, disappoint, laughter. everything appeared in my mind in that moment. and i realized that my tears rolling down. i wanted to hug someone and say that 'm not alright but no one was beside me. i wanted to find her but didn't want to disturb her. i wanted to stand up myself and feel the pain. the feeling of pain let me know what has happened and let me know that its not dream. the scar let me know that the past is real. it was all real. after calming myself down, i decide to go back to the place where i belong and go back to the life i have to continue.
sunday night, with the moon hanging in the sky, with no one, no shadows around. the night where i truly feel the pain ad cuts in me. i truly know what i lost and gained through this way. (:
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