i read it with laughter but tears in the heart.

it was a windy morning and i decided to skip my class after my math quiz. well done, queenie! :D the emptiness of the computer lab giving me the inspiration to update my blog. i was her with him and decided to read about the blog post he weote for me. the post was pirivate with password and the password was the day we start our story and sadly it didn't last as i expected. i took some time to figure out the password and at the end he told me. muahahahahahahahaha. stupid me. at the beggining, i didn't have the courage to read it beside him but i can't go online at home so just f**k it. i read the post about me right beside him. i didn't know how to cover the awkward so i read it with laughter. starting was alright but when i continue reading it i can feel tears rolling iin ,y eyes. i know i can't cry in front of him and 'm still in collge so i cover the feeling with my laughter. the blog isn't funny but if you were here, you will think that 'm reading some comedy but 'm NOT!

*silent moments* there is only both of us in the computer lab and we can actually pretend like nothing or maybe i should say that i can pretend like i never read that.

'm sorry for hurting you over and over again and thanks for being there whenever i need you. i decided to put a fullstop in between us because i feel that you deserve a better one and we are nice just like this way. (:

'm sorry. really sorry and thank you for all these while. (:

it doesn't belong to me anymore.

i was thinking what title should i give for this post. this going to be some real random post. it might contain some emo feelings or some words 'm not supposed to use. 'm 18 now and going to be 19 soon and looking back the life i used to have, the 18 years of life and what i have been doing this 18 years. standing at the place i used to be or maybe some different place, looking back the time i had. pictures of tears, laughter, joy, disappointment. it all appeared. they are all what i went through for the 18 years. now my heart and myself full of scars and some new cuts but all these scars will tell me the past is real. when i been through weren't a dream. they are all reality and past. i fell down over and over again but i still have to go on no matter what. i believe my road is full of my blood stains and injuries but i still have to stand up and go on. going on with my life with the cuts and scars. they are there to let me know that i will be stronger and 'm stronger after all these hurts i got.

life is always out of expectation. yes, i know that. that's why 'm full of scars. i never know what going to happen next and i will never know what is coming to me. when i was in high school i always dream about the college life i going to have when my teachers are teaching in the class. college life, is another turning point of my life where i met new people and new friends. and college is where i have more cuts, where i become stronger. lots of things happened when i reached this turning point of my life. i start back the habit i stopped when i was in high school, 'm called as a bitch, failure in relationships and even friendships. hmm. process that make me grow stronger and even lost myself. the real me. and i don't know where to find it back and sometimes i wonder the old me is better or the lost me is better. i mean the new and current me. :D

since the few times of failure of relationships in college, i can't get myself serious in this topic anymore. maybe i haven't got the right one that can make me good and serious and stick to him. haha i used to have one but now is all gone. all past. (:  the feeling ain't easy to find it back. once is gone, is gone. and now, i love the night like how someone does. night, is when i feel warm and have my own thinking. no one will be there to disturb, everyone is asleep. looking at the lonely and quiet street, the street lights shinning or maybe sometimes the rain drops hit the roof. looking at the sky with moon and stars shinning and feel the inner the me. the time i look deep inside me and try to find back myself but failed to i think.

and right now 'm going to freeze into ice in college's library. :p *sign off*

what i dislike the most about my boy. :(

what i dislike the most:-
1. wear sandal and went shopping or date with me.

2. never pay attention on what 'm i trying to say or talk.

3. being rude to me.

4. walk away when we argued or quarrel.

5. care about his friends more than me. ( dump me for his friends! )

6. egoistic!

7. every outing is up to me. don't have his own ideas.

8. always broke. :D

well. just feel like listing them out. (: i don't mind my boy smoke and drink but if can i hope that he has a healthy life so that he can take care the clumsy me. hee. :D

one more month to end the year. (:

one more month to end the year 2010. should i be happy or sad? 'm getting older and things should be getting better. *i hope* this year is a year that full of life experience. things i never gone through before. a life full of obstacles, bump, hurt, happy, tears, disappointment and more. i end my high school life and step into my tertiary study life and here is where my story really begins. when i was in high school i used to dream my college life will be wonderful. no school uniforms, no school rules, no discipline teacher and no prefects to tell you what to do and what not to do. yes, i admit that college life is awesome. is much more better that high school life but college ain't like what i used to imagine or dream when i was in high school. college is where the place i learn to be independent, college is the place i need to have more self discipline to able to complete my tasks. and college is the place where i met people that changed my life completely.

i went through road with bumps in high school and now i went through road with bumps, even bigger bumps that make me fall completely till i was badly hurt and didn't know how to get myself up and cure myself. life was once miserable during college. that time was a real dark time that i couldn't see any light but that is when i met people that changed my life. girls and boys. to most of my course mates 'm a bitch and i know why but i don't blame them for calling me that. there is nothing i can do. is their rights to say what they want to. i admit that is hurtful and till now that name still going around and 'm still a bitch to them. and till now its still hurt. last time i will have someone to protect me when things happened and now i have her to guide me and hold me but no one is here to really protect me anymore. he is gone and i will let things be over. the memories he gave me; sweet and bitter. memories that i will keep in my heart. (: maybe he will never see this but i would like to say thank to him. he was there right in front of me when those bitches back stab about me. he is the one stand out and protect me. thanks for letting me feel protected but the feeling is totally gone now. i have to go against everything by myself. maybe is time for me to learn independent. real independent and take the pain all by myself. you will find someone much more better than me, jason.

sweet yet bitter. this will be the last piece of our memory. (:

for those biches that call me bitch. hopefully yesterday will be the last time. 'm getting over and forgiving you guys. i unblock all my block list on my facebook because 'm forgiving and letting the pain i used to hold on. but thanks to you guys i can feel the feeling of protected by someone. *used to* 

in college, i met friends that i never expect i will meet in my life. college just like another turning in my life. 

took this during first semester and now second semester is ending. 

the fun time i will miss. (:

used to be the perfect one but now is broken.

the super man day. will never been seen anymore. :(

and 'm lucky. through this process of life i always have someone with me. no matter what she will never leave me and guide me when 'm down and tell me its time to get up from the pain. she is the one i will share everything of mine with her. her words cheer me up when 'm down, her words are my medicine when 'm in pain and we will be random together when we are happy. 'm so thankful that i have her all this time. no matter how my past was and she will never give up on me. she will never judge me like how others do. she is the one i can comfortably share my worries and pain with her. natalie law! thanks for all these time. thanks for being with me and sending me those meaningful lyrics. thanks for waking me up in the dark. (:

i steal another photo of you. please don't kill me when you see this. :D

2010 is coming to an end so its time to end unreslove things, mend my broken heart, forgive people and move on for better things to come to embrace 2011. (: 

public holiday, stuck at grandma's house. :(

wednesday, is a public holiday. drove to grandma's house on tuesday night after my mum done with her drama till 7. i was starving and the traffic was really heavy on the way to shah alam. >.< public holiday, i thought i will be going out with my mum and shop but end up stuck at home and complete my presentation slides. i have been facing the laptop since morning and till now 'm not done with it. 'm waiting for micheal jackson's music video to complete my job. :( i wonder how long i need to wait and 'm half dead here. body is really tired and especially my neck. my neck is hurting me. hmm. i guess 'm getting older. physically. teehee.:D this is not a good thing. 'm just 18 but my body doesn't feel like 18. it feels like older than 18. seems like i need to work out more and keep myself always fit and healthy so i can walk further in my life without feeling tired and exhausted easily. (:

let me count. another one month time my final will be coming and that's the end of my foundation life. after working hard for 9 months, finally 'm graduating from my foundation and i wondered how my degree life going to be. or maybe the life after my foundation. i might not be here anymore. i wonder. i always in my wonder land. (: queenie in the wonderland. muahahahahahahahahaa.

harry potter is out in the cinema today and 'm waiting for natalie till next month to watch it at pavillion! can't wait for it! nat, 'm looking forward for it and hopefully by that time the movie will be still in cinema. (: wait wait wait. good thing has to wait. i know that. school break is on and i still working hard for my assignments and get ready for my final. nevermind. i will be free. a real free girl after 2 months. whee! *sign off*

a night without anyone with me.

yesterday night was a night that i was really alone. phone on silent mode, in the car, playing the cd player and listening to the song. it was a song full with meanings and suit the feeling i was in that time. every night, i used to have someone with me but this night i decided not to disturb anyone. the night that i truely understand the feeling of walking on the street, drving alone. it wasn't nice but i have the time to do my own thinking. i lost myself since college started and i believe that till now i haven't find myself back. the me that used to laughed at jokes, smile and cry at the right time and will not hide the feelings in me. but the me now is totally feeling numb. lost my direction, the sense in me. i do not laugh at jokes. i mean i do laugh but not from the bottom of my heart. that moment, that second, i realized what i had let go might not be my wish but i believe this will be better. that moment, i was thinking back the time, the memories, the way i been through. hurt, smile, disappoint, laughter. everything appeared in my mind in that moment. and i realized that my tears rolling down. i wanted to hug someone and say that 'm not alright but no one was beside me. i wanted to find her but didn't want to disturb her. i wanted to stand up myself and feel the pain. the feeling of pain let me know what has happened and let me know that its not dream. the scar let me know that the past is real. it was all real. after calming myself down, i decide to go back to the place where i belong and go back to the life i have to continue.

sunday night, with the moon hanging in the sky, with no one, no shadows around. the night where i truly feel the pain ad cuts in me. i truly know what i lost and gained through this way. (:

its giving me warning. :(

my body alert is giving me warning. mentally and physically break down. ONCE AGAIN. this year is a really bad year for me. i think. everything seems not working smoothly. relationship, friendship, studies and family. now 'm sick. sigh. :( i still have test and assignments waiting for me. i have 2 tests to go for the coming week and 'm still so realxing here. i do feel the pressure but i don't have the high spirit to study! gosh. >.< save me! i need to have good results! i need it so badly but what am i doing now? talk only but no action. action speaks louder than words. :D i don't have the mood to continue. hugging domo now and blogging. *sign off*

friday morning. a windy morning to cycle. (:

i didn't know that it was a raining night and morning when i woke up in the morning to get ready myself. its raining! no wonder its so cooling. what a nice weather to sleep but i still have to get myself out of my bed. we are going to cycle. alright. i left not much money but still go out. teehee. (: we lost ourselves on the high way but still manage to reach our destination. four brains in the car so should be alright. there go the photos.

the starting of the journey. (:

someone risked his life to get this shot. nice one.

haha! look at his face. 

cam whore in the car, on the way back from taman pertanian. tired.

last shot before i end the trip. with my baby milo. (:

was a tiring trip but fun. had some exercise by cycling. (: i realized that my stamina is much more better than last time. i wasn't exhausted but tired only. haha! we went to taman desa had fish head noodle for lunch. unlucky der, her car got bang. sigh. shit that fellow! didn't even bother to stop the car. your car its just an old nissan sunny! luckily you ran away if not.... hmph! home around 2 and went old town white coffee to online. internet got terminated for not paying the bill, i think. 'm totally broke for this month. few more days to go and money to come. muahahahahahahahahahaha. :D that's all for this post. heading home soon to sleep. have a short nap. i need to complete my outline by today! i don't want any last minute work anymore! *sign off*

gay day! (:

its about yesterday. damn freaking lazy to write so the pictures will represent them. in conclusion, is my gay day with her! (:

this is during my account class. having starbucks coffee to make myself feel better.

my der drew this. she got the standard of primary kids. mine only kindergarten. said someone.

got this after class going back time. a toilet bowl in the middle of jungle? o.0

this monday ain't a good day to me. up and down. :( but i feel better after texting with her but she fell asleep when 'm home. haha! i knew it. and i found a way to make myself smile when 'm down. (:

i was never alone.

having a true friend is better than having fake friendS around me. i met this girl when i first went camp. i wasn't that close with her that time but i get closer with her after the second camp. she is always there for me. i have friend telling me that he will always be there for me and never leave me alone and at the end? he still dump me alone, left me there without telling me anything. i was lost and i didn't know what to do. but luckily she is there for me. all the time. she never leave me alone, she always standing at the same place and hold me through my way. she will be there although she is having tough time herself. she will NEVER EVER leave me alone. and yesterday night thanks to her. she was there with me. i went MIA and she found me. now i know. when the whole world dump me, left me but she will never. she is the one that let me know that i was never alone. she will always be there for me. thanks, natalie. i really glad to have you all the time. i really glad that i keep in touch with you after the camp. both of us make an effort. (: thanks for not leaving me. thanks for not doing what others did to me. thanks for holding when i fall. i will find myself back. i will be alright when time passes. all i need is time to cure my sickness. huggsssssssssssssss for you! you are the one i love! haha! (:

sorry for stealing this from your fb. (: teehee.

mix and match friday. (:

its friday again. i usually spend this day alone or with friends. but this friday i spend with my family. my mum on leave and she didn't even tell me till i find out myself on a thursday night while having dinner at night market. :( all the plan gone. sigh. nevermind. my mum on leave just wanted to go shopping and she drag me along. oh no! i don't have the mood to shop. >.< i spend my whole morning and afternoon and evening with family and stuck in mid valley for hours. it was kind of empty. nice time to grab some nice clothes. haha! i bought one top from harajuku. (: normal black and white top. after hours of walking around with my mum and texting while my mum is busy with the clothes i finally can feel the hunger. whee! i drag my mum away from all the distraction to little penang kafe. sorry, mum. 'm hungryweeeee! :( well. the food here not bad, the service still ok but the workers don't understand english! and not that good in malay either. i feel like knocking my head to the table. here are some photos of the food. delicious. (: yum yum.

i have been missing this. pie-tee. (: nice.

oh yay! this asam laksa is really awesome! better than the one in penang. but it kills me after hours. its burning hot and spicy! :( and see the ice kacang? 

my dear mum. "look here". *smile* (:

i didn't take more photos. well. here come the night part. it was a night that things happened and feelings come together. yet, 'm still strong enough to take it with me. friend in deep trouble, friend feeling down and having a rough time on the other side. i didn't know what to do and i didn't know what to say to make them feel better. a friend of me called and he was down. i didn't know how to cheer him up but all i can do is be a good listener, listen to him hopefully he is better after spilling his problem to me. a night with the alcohol running in my body and the thoughts walking in and out from my head. it was a night that full of stars and clouds.

it was a night with alcohol running in my blood and it makes me feel alright. (:

life is always out of expectation and i do not expect so much. the more i expect the more disappointment i get. its not a good thing. when i feel disappoint my whole day will be ruin down and it sucks! i tried it lots of time. since high school till now. this feeling never fail to go off from me. 

obstacles and problems. it makes us grow stronger and better. and when we fall, we have to learn to stand up. (:

the laugh and tears for the first semester. (:

this post is especially for the first semester of my college life. i still remember the first day i entered college. the first girl i know and the lonely time i been through before knowing these awesome people. (: now, some of us have been separated but we still hang out for sometimes. hardly. :( now 'm having my second semester and we going to graduate in another 2 months time. hopefully we will still keep in touch when we depart for our degree. this are the photos. laughter and tears we went through together for the 5 months time. (:

yes! this is the mix and match. (: 

this 2 girls. the very first and second friend i know when i entered college. (: and now they are in the same class with me.

yes! starbucks, my favourite. (: we were studying. 

we always cam whore in the class when the lecturer is just right in front. sorry. :(

hee. captured a sample of it so its easier for me when i do the assignment. (:

this is the time i missed. fun time after malaysian studies. (:

i think this is the first time we went out together. for movie. (:

i remember this! we shop for formal. (:

our presentation day! (:

a small group photo. pretty girls.

i don't know what't wrong. i can't upload any photos anymore. hmm. maybe i should have part two if 'm not lazy to do so. (:

suckie tuesday.

the day i flunk my math paper and had a real bad morning. :(

the cutest and the only couple in my class. (: teehee.

look at my classmates. fb, sleeping and talking. all in their own world.

guess what is this. (: cigarette's filter. my friend threw this at me. NOT MINE. (:

i stayed around college for another 2 hours to wait for my friend. while waiting i chill myself down. hmm. nat told me to try harder next time. i will try my best to work harder. hopefully i won't fail it for the second time if not i won't be graduating in time. i don't want to re take my course. :( *cross fingers* 

an ordinary but not ordinary monday. (:

2 post for today. one in the morning and one in the night. i thought this monday going to be normal but seem like 'm wrong! haha! (: had fun during enl although we have work to do. our lecturer is back from her holidays and enl lesson is back to normal. should i be sad or happy? hmm. both i think. (: well well. want to know what i did during enl? lazy to type so photos will do the job for me. (: whee!

that's my sunglasses! we cam whore during enl and lecturer is just right in front. (:

haha! its just a candid. (:

ooh! she looks sexy. (: nice right? *whistle*

she looks like a korean here. her name is ee suen. (: rawr! <3

my turn to cam whore. (: muahahahahaha.

last pic of me. i promise. for this post. haha! (:

alright. don't know who was the one spreading fake news that moral studies was at 4 and ended up she came at 5. good! i was sitting some where alone for more than 30 minutes and having my time. it was a nice place. TO ME. i can chill and be alone there. in college this is the only place i can find my peace. when i flunk my paper or 'm down i will be there. my secret place. neh. i not going to tell. only my VIPSSS know. haha! (: went home real late. almost 9. sorry, mummy. i went pyramid. i tried my best to get home early but failed to do so. really really sorry. i know you won't see this but its alright. apologizing will make me feel better. haha! (: had KFC for dinner. totally broke but someone is caring enough to spend me. thanks. (: i OWE you first. will pay you back when i got money. sigh. WAIT FOR ME. I WILL PAY YOU BACK. (: 

its monday again. :(

gosh. its monday again. time back to college and go for classes like an idiot. sigh. :(  but this monday is different than the other monday. what so different? class starts real late today. morning classes all canceled. well. this always happen in college. 'm used to it. lucky my class rep told me yesterday that class starts at 2 if not i will be real idiot in college early in the morning. haha! (: this is the first time 'm writing my blog in the morning. 'm way too bored. need to wait till 12 so i still have plenty of time rotting and stoning at home. hmm. is it a good thing? 'm wondering about it myself too. alright. another hour. going to finish this and get ready for college. boring classes today. enl lecturer is back from her holidays. oh no! well well well. till now i haven't start with my stupid research paper. lazy? out of idea? or what now? queenie! time to get up and start doing your work! no more last minute work. alright alright.

i always envy those couples with long relationship. and mine never seem to last long. the longest was my first one and it ended with heart breaking. it took me long enough to get over it and start with a serious relationship and it never be the same. or i should say that i was never the same anymore. the feeling seem to be on and off. i just don't know what's wrong with me. i seem to be flirting around. i know this is what a bitch does. or maybe 'm one. hmm. i don't know about that. what you think? i have my ex telling me that he felt insecure when he is with me, i don't care about his feeling and more and more. wow! seem like 'm a real suckie gf huh? alright. thanks for telling me this and i will bring this with me. i think its hard to find back the me when i had my first love. maybe i need someone that really love me and doesn't care what kind of person am i, and i can speak out whatever is in my mind without worries. and this guy. ain't easy to find. with him, i might change and find the real me back. (:

alright. that'a all for this. need to get ready myself for college. for now, study first. (:

friday and saturday. (:

friday is the day i stay at home and do nothing. as usual. this friday i did not go anywhere. stuck at home like an idiot. went oug for breakfast with friends and i brought domo along with me.

was waiting for my der to come down. 

naughty domo trying to climb the car. >.<

cool domo. i love it. haha! (:

friday nothing much to update. well. i went mid valley alone just to have a walk around. i was real bored at home. went there less than 30 minutes then came back. i know its real lifeless. hee. next, will be my saturday.

i drove to shah alam in the evening to grandma's house. real heavy traffic. thanks to the other side accident and cause all the bad traffic. my mum was next to me and keep asking me to slow down. geez. chill, mum. i can't drive too slow in the high way. :( i promise i will be careful k? (: worse thing is i forgotten to bring domo,  along with me to grandma's house. sigh. i miss the smell of domo. how could i forget about domo? anyway, i went to hypermarket to have a walk after dinner. (:

this is my little cousin with a real big teddy. (:

lol. look at my lil cousin's funny face. (: this teddy is real huge.

alright. my saturday night ends at my grandma's house. staying over there for a night. what to do? my mum misses her mum. and i don't know how my sunday going to be. i guess its going to be another boring day. sigh.

domo first day to college. (:

alright. domo first day to college. nothing special happen. well. saw one of the bitches when i go asia cafe for lunch. spoil my appetite to eat only.

domo eating baby tomato during econs class. (:

domo is stalkimg what am i doing. well. look at my der's cute face. (:

yawning with my domo. teehee. (:

both are my favourite. <3

cam whoring in the library. yay me! (:

all this happened on wednesday. and i wrote this on a windy thursday morning and thanks to the weahter, my mood ain't that good too. i didn't sleep for the whole night but still feeling alright. hopefully i won't screw my econs paper. (: good luck, girl! 

the worst day ever. hopefully. :(

yesterday night i burn mid night oil just to do my math because 'm having math test today. but end the end? i screw everything up. i forgotten what i did yesterday night. i was totally blank when i look back the works i did yesterday. i know i going to screw this up and its not surprise that i did. sigh. the worst paper i did. second semester really suck or is just the lecturer suck or i suck? no comment. all i know is i flunk the bloody paper. 'm sorry for my language. once a while. (: bitches around make my day worst. haha! but they are none of my business anymore. get their own my life and i have my own life to go on with. classes end early but 'm home late. was around college, sitting and chilling and talking. thanks for making me feel better. (: i know the road of life ain't easy but 'm just a normal human being. i will get tired too. i need some time to recharge my battery. i think my battery is running real low. and i can hear the alarm ringing. sigh. *hand up* any break for me? i would like to have some break, sitting and chilling around the beach. hmm. nice one. i will wait till december. my pangkor trip! here i come, beach! whee!

alright. my day ain't that bad since the moment i bought my domo home! yes! finally. i was dreaming and thinking to buy one and i finally get to do it. (: it makes me feel better. now 'm hugging domo and writting.

i have my own domo! (:

aite. this is all about my bad day. and! i did lots of crazzie stuff today. seem like its not the worst day ever. at least i get to do what i usually don't do. (: and today, i know how much i been pretending to be alright. now i clearly know myself and what i have been going through. this life might not be good but i think i will continue it. what to do? 'm used to it. oh no! glambert is on thursday and 'm not going. no free passes for me. sad. >.< nevermind. its alright. stay at home and be a good girl. muahahahahahahahahahahhaha. xp